The Cat Who Wasn't a Dog Read online

  ‘Get out of here! The place is on fire!’

  Evangeline beat us all to the door, then had the nerve to act as though she was opening it for us.

  ‘But what about the dead bloke?’ Eddie emerged from the back room, took one look at the inferno erupting from the office and paled. ‘Out!’ he shouted. ‘Out!’

  ‘Fleur!’ Dame Cecile wailed. ‘My dear little Fleur! We can’t leave her here!’

  ‘It’s all right!’ Eddie grabbed Dame Cecile by the shoulders and propelled her through the door. ‘Trixie’s got ‘er!’

  Through the thickening smoke, Dame Cecile saw the bulky object in my arms, swaddled in her cloak, and allowed herself to be rushed into the open air.

  We slammed the front door behind us and watched helplessly as the flames invaded the showroom.

  ‘The fire brigade!’ Evangeline dived for the cellphone in her handbag.

  ‘Not you – they’ll recognize your voice!’ Eddie grabbed it from her. ‘They’d recognize any of your voices. We want the good old anonymous call. When they get the fire out and find that body, they’re going to start asking questions – and we don’t have any answers.’

  The crackle of flame and snapping wood was an effective background to Eddie’s quick report to the fire brigade. We watched in stunned silence as the flames encroached more rapidly and virulently than we would have believed possible. It was all being destroyed so fast. Too fast. That nasty acrid smell must have been some sort of accelerant – and the fire had burst out of both the filing cabinet and waste basket. How many other spots around the shop had been booby-trapped?

  ‘Right!’ Eddie snapped off the cellphone and returned it to Evangeline. ‘Let’s get the ’ell out of ‘ere!’

  ‘Fleur! My little Fleur!’ Dame Cecile tugged at the cloak covering the cage. I tugged back, trying vainly to keep it concealed. It was a losing battle against her infatuated determination. The cloak slipped and fell away

  Cho-Cho-San blinked with interest at the new world so suddenly revealed.

  ‘Fleur!’ Dame Cecile gave a piercing scream. ‘That’s not Fleur! My baby is still inside! Being immolated!’ She lurched towards the burning building.

  ‘Ohmigawd!’ Eddie snatched the cloak, hurled it over Dame Cecile’s head and bundled her into the back seat. Evangeline and I dived in after her. Eddie leaped into the driver’s seat and gunned the engine.

  We sped away as the fire sirens sounded in the distance.

  Chapter Two

  At some point on that journey back to Dame Cecile’s lodgings, a small paw slid through one of the wire squares of the cage and curled itself around my forefinger trustingly. I stroked it gently with my thumb as my heart melted. Who could have wanted to destroy such a little beauty?

  There was nothing but an ominous silence from beneath the black cloak shrouding the figure slumped across the back seat facing us, as we perched on the jump seats.

  ‘Cecile?’ Even Evangeline was becoming uneasy. ‘Cecile … are you all right?’

  Silence.

  ‘Cecile … we couldn’t do anything else. The fire went out of control so fast. We had to save ourselves …’

  Silence.

  ‘Cecile …’ I didn’t reckon my chances, but felt duty-bound to weigh in. ‘Cecile, there was nothing we could do for Fleur – but Cho-Cho-San was alive – ’

  That elicited a juddering sob. On the whole, I preferred the silence.

  ‘For God’s sake, pull yourself together, Cecile!’ Evangeline’s always precarious patience snapped. ‘Not even you can blame – ’

  Eddie slammed on the brakes as another fire engine careered out of a turning immediately ahead of us and swung in the direction of the conflagration.

  I yelped, hanging on to the cage, as I slid forward in the seat. Cho-Cho-San gave a ladylike yowl, extending and quickly retracting her claws. Evangeline’s snarl of protest mingled with Eddie’s ripe curses.

  Still silence from Cecile. Even though the black-shrouded form slithered about, nearly falling off the seat.

  Evangeline and I settled back in our jump seats, exchanging glances. At this point, it was probably too late to try to do anything about the seat belts, even if they had been designed to accommodate a supine figure, rather than a sitting passenger. Anyway, the fire engine had passed and, with luck, we would not encounter another one. We were rapidly moving beyond the vicinity of the blaze.

  Silence. I couldn’t even hear her breathing. I could only presume that she was.

  I looked at Evangeline, who shrugged, rolled her eyes heavenwards, and washed her hands of the whole proceedings.

  Well, she knew Dame Cecile better than I did. I took a deep breath and told myself that the cloak was not wrapped around the Dame so tightly that it would cut off her breathing.

  I hoped.

  ‘’Ere we are.’ Eddie drew up in front of the Regency townhouse and turned off the engine. ‘Home at last, eh?’

  Silence. Deep silence.

  ‘Anyone getting out?’ Eddie’s nerves were beginning to fray. Join the club, Eddie.

  ‘I am!’ Evangeline swung open the door on her side and leaped out. I opened my door and followed more slowly, since I had Cho-Cho-San to cope with.

  Still silence. No reaction at all from the motionless form lying along the back seat.

  ‘Ohmigawd!’ Eddie moaned. ‘Do I ’ave to carry ‘er?’

  ‘Do as you see fit!’ Evangeline was already half-way across the pavement, leaving no one in any doubt that she had done all that she was going to.

  I trailed after her, with an apologetic glance towards Eddie, but he could see that I had my hands full.

  Cho-Cho-San crouched low in her cage, eyes wide and apprehensive. She looked up at me pleadingly.

  ‘It’s all right, darling,’ I soothed. ‘You’ll never see anything like that terrible place again. You’re safe now.’

  Behind us, I heard Eddie swearing in a deep steady monotone, punctuated by a series of thumps.

  I steeled myself not to turn around. I didn’t want to know. Especially not when I heard a sudden hysterical shriek.

  Evangeline had no such qualms. I saw her turn around and a slow grim smile spread across her face.

  I would not look … I would not look … I would –

  Eddie was advancing relentlessly, a squirming black bundle locked in his arms. Upside-down evidently, since two legs were kicking wildly above his head – and the stubborn silence was now broken by a series of breathless gasps, shrieks and muffled imprecations.

  ‘Open the door!’ Eddie choked, reeling up the front steps. ‘For Gawd’s sake, open the door and let’s get her inside before the neighbours call the police!’

  ‘Has she got the key?’ Evangeline demanded. ‘Turn her upside – Well, shake her and see if the key falls – ’

  I put out one hand and twisted the knob. The door swung open.

  ‘It wasn’t locked,’ I pointed out unnecessarily.

  ‘Thank Gawd for that!’ Eddie staggered through in front of us, aimed himself at the drawing room and dumped his burden down on the red plush sofa.

  It immediately went limp and silent again. Perhaps the nasty thump I heard as it connected with the wooden frame had something to do with that.

  ‘There! I’ve done my bit.’ Eddie glared at us accusingly. ‘And then some! It’s over to you now.’

  I headed for a capacious armchair, balanced the cage on one wide arm, sank into the seat and fiddled with the catch until I managed to release it and open the door.

  Cho-Cho-San surged out of the cage and into my arms. She clung to me, shivering and uttering small mewls of distress.

  ‘Shhh … shhh … it’s all right.’ I cuddled her. ‘You’ll never have to go back into that horrible thing again.’

  Which reminded me. I glanced across at the dark lump on the sofa. ‘Shouldn’t we unwrap her?’

  ‘If you must,’ Evangeline sighed. She had settled into the opposite armchair and was studying her fin
gernails. ‘On your heads be it, though.’

  ‘Well, we can’t just leave her like that,’ I protested.

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Ohmigawd!’ Eddie was leaning against the mantelpiece, mopping his brow. ‘Who’s going to do it?’

  Silence.

  Don’t all rush to volunteer.

  Who’ll bell the cat? Cho-Cho-San had moulded herself against me and was beginning to throb with a small weak purr. I wasn’t going to disturb her now that she was settling down. I held her closer, stroking her, comforting myself as much as her.

  ‘She’s dead quiet,’ Eddie said uneasily. ‘You think, maybe, she ’it ’er ’ead when I dropped ‘er on the sofa?’

  ‘As long as it was just her head,’ Evangeline said, ‘there’s no damage done.’

  There was an ominous twitch beneath the cloak.

  “Ere – ’ Eddie said. ‘I think she’s coming round.’

  ‘Where do you suppose – ’ Evangeline stood and looked about the room speculatively – ‘they hide the brandy around here?’

  ‘Good thinking,’ Eddie approved. ‘That ought to ‘elp – ’ He broke off abruptly as Evangeline found the bottle, poured a generous dollop – and proceeded to drink it herself.

  The black bundle began to flail about frantically. Dame Cecile had known Evangeline longer than any of us. She had no illusions as to what was happening.

  ‘Here – ’ Since Eddie obviously felt that he was far too involved already, I gave up. I decanted Cho-Cho-San into his arms and stepped forward to disentangle the Dame.

  It wasn’t easy. All that thrashing around had twisted the material tightly around her. There was also the very real danger of a black eye if I got too close to those thrashing limbs. I tugged tentatively at a loose bulge in the cloak, but stepped back hastily as a wildly flailing fist appeared from beneath it and just missed me.

  Evangeline had been watching critically. Now she drained her glass, set it down on the coffee table and took centre stage.

  ‘You’ll never get anywhere that way,’ she said. ‘You need to treat it like one of the old adhesive bandages. A quick sharp pull and – ’

  She caught up a loose end of the cloak and gave it a sudden upward yank and twist. Dame Cecile went spiralling off the sofa to land all of a heap on the floor.

  My dears, the language! Poor Eddie cringed – although he could dish it out, he couldn’t take it, especially from a woman. If he hadn’t been holding Cho-Cho-San, I believe he would have put his hands over his ears. If he’d had enough hands he’d have covered Cho-Cho-San’s ears, too. She was far too young and innocent to listen to that sort of thing.

  ‘That’s the way to do it!’ Evangeline regarded Dame Cecile with satisfaction. ‘Up you get, Cecile, and play hostess. In case you haven’t noticed, you have guests. Start pouring the drinks.’

  ‘I will never forgive you!’ Dame Cecile choked. ‘Never!’

  Only Eddie looked worried. I retrieved Cho-Cho-San and sat down.

  ‘Fix your hair, Cecile,’ Evangeline said. ‘As it is, you could step straight onstage as The Madwoman of Chaillot right now.’

  ‘Never! Do you hear me? Never!’ Dame Cecile struggled to her feet, glaring at Evangeline. ‘And you can forget any idea of replacing me in Arsenic and Old Lace. I shall go on with the show myself!’

  Thank heaven for that. I exhaled a silent sigh of relief. Although I thought I had Evangeline fairly well convinced that she shouldn’t take on the role, it was a relief to know that it was no longer available.

  ‘Mine’s a brandy,’ Evangeline said. ‘Trixie? Eddie? Cecile is waiting.’

  ‘Brandy is fine with me.’ I was abruptly aware that I could use something bracing.

  Eddie nodded agreement weakly. The adrenalin rush had faded and the aftermath was beginning to affect us all. I don‘t know if Eddie felt as limp as I did, but his face was pale and he was shuddering sporadically.

  I leaned back and closed my eyes, but a vision of exploding flames shot up behind them and I opened them again. Cho-Cho-San looked up at me meaningfully, then began licking at her ash-spattered front.

  She was right, she was a mess; we were all a mess. Flecks of soot had smudged every face and settled on our clothing. Even as I watched, a large flake drifted off from Evangeline’s sleeve and settled on the white carpet. I noted in passing that she appeared to have a double set of eyebrows and Eddie’s streaks around the ears would have passed for muttonchop whiskers from a seat in the stalls. I didn‘t want to think what my own face must look like. It was time I got to a mirror – and a wash basin.

  Even Dame Cecile had not escaped. The cloak had obviously trapped a cloud of cinders as Eddie had whirled it over her and I decided I’d rather not be around when she discovered the tiny singed holes dotting her silk gown.

  ‘I think I could do with a little freshening-up.’ I lowered Cho-Cho-San to the floor and stood up carefully, trying not to smear the arms of the chair with my sooty hands. ‘We all could.’

  ‘Cor, you’re right. Soon as I finish this drink, I’ll do something about it.’ Eddie spoke for us all as we reached for the drinks Cecile was sulkily passing around.

  ‘Cor!’ Eddie swallowed half of his drink in one gulp and shuddered. ‘That was a close one!’

  ‘Immolated!’ Dame Cecile wailed suddenly, almost causing me to drop my glass. ‘My little Fleur – immolated! ’

  ‘According to Eddie, she wasn’t the only one,’ I said. ‘There was a human body in the back room. A dead one.’

  ‘Ohmigawd!’ Eddie gulped the other half and tottered over to the drinks table to refill his glass. ‘Can’t you forget that?’

  ‘I suppose you’re sure he was dead?’ Evangeline could always be relied on for a happy thought.

  ‘Ohmigawd!’ Eddie whirled on her. ‘Don’t you start! That’s it – go and wash your faces. I’m taking you back to London!’

  ‘Sounds good to me.’ I was more than ready to shake the dust – and ashes – of this place off my feet.

  ‘You can’t go now!’ Dame Cecile was wailing again. ‘You can’t desert me when I’m bereaved and in a state of shock and have a show opening in a week.’

  ‘For once in her life, she’s right,’ Evangeline said. ‘We can’t leave her. She needs moral support.’

  ‘If she’s expecting anything moral from you two, she’s in trouble,’ Eddie muttered.

  ‘What was that?’ Evangeline turned on him dangerously.

  ‘Nothing. Forget I spoke.’ Eddie could recognize defeat when it was staring him in the face. He poured himself another drink and raised the glass to us. ‘Cheers!’

  ‘I’ve forgotten my lines!’ Dame Cecile shrieked. ‘I can’t remember a single word.’

  ‘You never could,’ Evangeline said. ‘Have another drink. It will be all right on the night.’

  ‘It won’t! That’s the biggest lie in show business!’ Dame Cecile was a quivering mass of hysteria. ‘My hair! My face! My lines! My Fleur – my poor dear little Fleur. She was my luck, my mascot, my friend! I can’t go on without her!’

  ‘Well, we’re not going on!’ I was getting cross. The least she could do when she issued an ultimatum was stick by it. If she was never going to forgive us, why did she want us to hang around?

  ‘Whatever we do,’ Evangeline said, ‘I suggest we have lunch first. It’s been a full morning and I, for one, am starving.’

  Lunch? Incredulously, I consulted my watch. She was right. Although the day seemed to have gone on for ever, it was really only one thirty. Come to think of it, I was getting quite hungry myself.

  ‘Blimey, I could eat a horse!’ Eddie agreed fervently.

  ‘No! I’m not hungry!’ Dame Cecile was off again. ‘I couldn’t eat a thing! Not when – ’

  ‘You must eat to conserve your strength!’ Evangeline met declamatory style with declamatory style. ‘You have a Duty to your Public!’

  ‘Yes …’ Dame Cecile allowed herself to be persuaded. ‘I suppose you�
��re right.’

  ‘That’s settled!’ Eddie said decisively. ‘Now, in or out?’

  ‘What?’ Dame Cecile was momentarily bewildered.

  ‘Do we go out to eat or do we eat ’ere?’ Eddie asked. ‘Like, where’s the kitchen?’

  ‘How do I know?’ Dame Cecile glared at him. ‘This is Matilda Jordan’s house. I’m a guest here while we’re rehearsing and then for the run of the play. So much more convenient than going back to London every night.’

  Run-of-the-play sounded quite grand if you didn’t know that the Royal Empire’s presentations were usually limited runs for plays on their way to somewhere else, either the West End or a provincial tour.

  ‘Come along, Trixie.’ Evangeline was half-way to the door, with Dame Cecile not far behind her. I started forward automatically, then hesitated as I heard a faint anxious meow from somewhere around my ankles. I looked down into a pair of reproachful eyes. I had forgotten the cat.

  ‘Bring ’er along,’ Eddie said. ‘She can stay in the cab while we eat and we’ll get ‘er a doggie bag.’

  A slight shudder seemed to shake the delicate frame, the eyes pleaded with me.

  ‘I think she’s been moved around enough,’ I said. Who knew where she had been and what had happened to her before she wound up in the chamber of horrors that had been Stuff Yours? ‘She’s frightened, she might run away if she got outside.’

  ‘Wouldn’t that be a shame?’ Evangeline muttered.

  ‘I’ll stay here with her until you people get back,’ I said firmly. ‘Maybe I’ll even find the kitchen. If you think Matilda Jordan wouldn’t mind.’

  ‘Help yourself,’ Dame Cecile said. ‘Matilda won’t even notice. She has more to worry about right now than a bit of food.’

  ‘Oh?’ Evangeline was suddenly agog for anything that promised gossip or, preferably, scandal. ‘Anything we should know about?’

  ‘Family and theatre.’ Dame Cecile sighed deeply. ‘We’re having trouble with our Teddy Roosevelt. He’s hopeless! He keeps uttering the “Charge!” as though the next words were “to my account”.’

  ‘Too late to replace him?’ This was a problem Evangeline could really sympathize with. ‘Or a watertight contract?’